Second time, the last time

Have you heard of this quote before? 

"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back to each other. "

Call me silly, call me naive. 

But, i am living the quote now. 

:) 

And I am so, so grateful. 

November 2013

In just a blink of an eye, it's already mid-November! To be honest, if you ask me to look back of what i have done for the past 10 months, i really don't remember. I even almost forgotten that this year was the year i ended my a-level program. I thought it was last year. What the heck happened to me?

I still remember in A-level that we have this thing called newsletter which is like once in a month, there is this brilliant guy whom got 4A* for his result and he wrote that university level is actually harder than A-level so good luck in your A-level. When i read it, i didn't believe him. I seriously think that A-level is the hardest exam I have ever sat for in my 20 years of life. Well i am wrong.

I hate university life. I can't believe the naive me was so eager to enter university back in June. Now i am only in my fifth month of my university life, i feel so stress up. People in my class are really one of the kind. My class have 200 students and we have classes in the auditorium every single day. These 200 students come from various foundation program like MUFY, A-level, foundation in science and so on so forth. Generally people here are the most hardworking people I've ever seen. I feel so much like "rusa masuk ke kampung" but yeah the library is always pack even till at night around 10 p.m.

I think i am still sleeping mentally.

I really miss my lecturers in A-level. Or to put it correctly, i miss being spoon-fed.
But here i am now, in another chapter of my life and i think it's one of the most important stage of my life. My super-stressful-hectic-dull-university life.

I really hope i can survive. All those years of putting effort in my studies and now if you view it as a gaming way, it's like the final stage that's gonna determine whether i really did succeed in my studies or....not.

Yeap, i just rub salt into my wound again.

Breathe, breathe. =.=

The counsel

I am not sick.

That morning was one of the very same day I dreaded to reach upon. My appointment was on two o'clock and i had exactly no idea on how and what i was supposed to be expecting. I had so many things bubbled up in my mind. So many invisible barriers that i have cast upon myself. Sometimes, my chest overburden me. But i managed to carry on with life by trying and trying and to never give up with myself when i almost did three years ago. I have so much more in life that i wanted to achieve. No, i must not give up now.

But that morning, everything that i had built, shattered. I let tears flow down my cheeks again, and no one can imagined how frustrated i was. She told  me that i have never move on. Something has been stolen from me. And that was the very reason i was still in rage and anger with myself and everyone else involved.

My confidence and my trust.

And then she told me something that i've always known.

I am never going to be the same again.

Not entirely back

I have totally neglected this blog and i don't feel a pang of guilt at all. Haha. Life after a level exams have been traumatizing instead of the peace and serene moments that i thought i would be having. I am starting to think that working my ass off isn't a good idea anymore. This is because everyday before i drag my heavy feet to work, i will be in constant fear. My boss isn't the kind of person you want to mess with. Moreover, with the strict regime that every piece of information has to be taken down, is getting on my nerve. I have to admit i am totally stressed out. But there are some of the nicest people that I've met during my work and truthfully i could never be more grateful for their guidance and care for me, the silly girl who always get things wrong because she thinks ignorance is bliss when in the medical field, ignorance is never bliss. It will only bring agony.

I am left with one month before i leave this job i know i won't miss, and to begin a new chapter of my life. My university life. I am totally left behind by my friends who are already in their second year of degree and me? I am so so so far behind. But this isn't the only thing that was bothering me. In this four months of working i totally lost contact with my friends even the one who is living a one block away from my house. Sorry, really sorry.

Is there any way i can convince my mum that i don't want to work anymore? Not even a single chance, mun bling. -.- Don't think about it, just do your best and smile yes smile more. Till now, i am still uncertain of my path. Is this really what i want to do? Everything seem so perfect for me, i got a scholarship, i got everything laid out in front of me and i just need to keep walking straight like a blind person. My mum keeps telling me how i should be grateful and how others are envious of my life. Don't get me wrong, i am grateful. But deep down, i know this isn't what i always wanted. I am really greedy ain't i?

I just hope everything goes well. What else can i do now?

Teachers

They have been my biggest inspiration to work my best. Yet, i have done little to repay them. On the very last week of my college in Help university, my friend, Ah Peng, suggested to make a card for all our teachers. Well, i think we ought to as well, since we won't be seeing them as often as we used to.
I was emotional, and .. when i am emotional, i go back to my old self. And when i am back to my old self, you know i write sucky poems. Here's one.

For my biology teacher,

I know we are never your favorite class,
Always silent ourselves when questions are asked,
While your expectation on us is never surpassed,
Yet we still keep disappointing you after every class.

But teacher, we are both sorry and thank you,
Forever will be grateful for all your efforts,
Always trying to train us to think out of the box,
So that we will be able to do better tomorrow.

Thank you teacher for all your care,
For all your efforts in encouraging us,
Pushing us to the above by lecturing us,
Telling us its possible by working harder and harder.

To you, teacher we are not the best,
But to us, you are the best biology teacher,
We'll constantly be putting efforts for our exams,
If our results are bad, hope teacher you'll understand.

For the last sentence, i have changed it to something else. .. I forgotten what i wrote. But this is the original one.

And the other one, will be somewhere you won't be able to see. :P Chaoz. 

Rest in peace, grandfather

Nothing hurts more than watching your parent cried in front of your eyes. To me, it was the most painful feeling and the stuff that i want to avoid ever doing to my parent. Just last week, i had to witness it when my mother sobbed uncontrollably on the couch after receiving a phone call. Although death is inevitable, none of us would have thought that death has to come in such a speed.

My grandfather had passed away due to liver cancer. When he was diagnosed, it was already in the fourth stage. I was shocked to the core. My grandfather, whom looked so healthy while living his life in the countryside as a farmer was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. The incurable disease that many people fear of. I got no idea why it could happen. He did not smoke nor consumed alcohol. I guess it was all due to his irregular time for meals and his hectic life in bringing up his 7 children that tires him.

This is the second time i lost a relatives due to cancer. The first was my father's father. Yes, my grandfather too. But that was due to heart cancer. And that was because of his excessive alcohol consumption. Now get the idea why i despise alcohol so much? At that time, death seems so estranged to me. I never know the meaning of death nor understand why people around me was crying. I was only 4 or 5 when it happened. But the memories of me seeing my grandfather on his deathbed stayed etched with me till today. I still remember how he was smiling to me. I forgotten what we spoken of, but it was the only one memory i had about my grandfather. The image of how my dad cried was still vivid in my head.

But now this is different.

This is about someone who i knew for 20 years.
Someone i had memories of. And this time, i had come to understand the meaning of death. After all, this is a part of growing up. One of the hardest part too.

I couldn't attend the first two days of the funeral preparations, thanks to my exam. But i am sure i will definitely regret if i miss out the last day of sending my grandfather off. There is no exact words to express my feelings when i watched my mum and my aunts sending my grandfather to his grave. The sorrow was overwhelming. My mum was crying the entire journey.

I think she is still crying now.

I don't know when she will be alright again. And i got no idea how to make that happen. But i think the only thing i could, is just to be there when she needs it. I love my mum. At the same times, i couldn't express it. I think that is because i couldn't handle the awkwardness.

But to my grandfather, i hope he is in a good condition wherever he is. Of course i hope he is in the heaven. I would like to believe and have faith in that.

Cherish the people you love before it's too late. Such common words you heard but often forgets.
Cheers.