Adulting

It's been almost 3 years since i last posted anything on my blogs. I think i have even forgotten how smoothly it was to just type out what's on my mind. Or maybe i have gotten better into hiding my feelings and thoughts from surfacing. 

So how's life now? 

Not exactly where i planned to be to be honest. When my semester 8 ended in university, there was only one life path that i was determined to achieve. A clinical pharmacist. I love clinical, i love the tricky question on how to save the patient or how to improve the patient's life so they can be healed and discharge. I love the feeling when my intervention was accepted by the doctor. 

But right now, all i am doing is dispensing medication to the patients like a robot for exactly one month plus. I am no where near to improving my clinical knowledge but more to losing my knowledge slowly as i was not using them. But who am I to complain? I am not extremely well-versed with my clinical knowledge. My memory is as comparable to a goldfish. Why would they select me to be a clinical pharmacist? There are so many others lining up eagerly to be one.

I want to improve myself. But how do i self-study when i hate staring at the computer screen to study? What book should i buy? I planned to continue my study by pursuing master in clinical pharmacy in UKM. But what about money? How should i support myself and my family if they need me? What can i do with a master degree? Will i be hired for my education? 

These questions circled in my head almost every night and every morning whenever i think about my future. I got no idea where i should go. I am already 26 years old. Time is ticking and everyone is already building up their career. Can i really take one year off to study my master? Do i really need my master degree? 

I really do not know. Now i am just wasting my time in IJN till July when my contract expired. Will my life be better after leaving IJN? I am not sure but one thing for sure is I will not go back to KL to work. The traffic jam is killing me everyday.

 

Life so far.

I didn't have anywhere to rant. Not on Facebook because it is too public, not on Twitter because I didn't want others to know about my depression and hence i am back here typing after such a long time.

Right after semester six examination, we were required to do electives. I didn't get into any hospital attachment eventhough it was my first choice and i actually make efforts to get into... i decided to pursue industry training instead.

Industrial pharmacist seems like a vague job for many of us. This is mainly because our curriculum focused so much on clinical pharmacy studies, we kind of have no clue on the job scope of an industrial pharmacist.

So the curious me decided to take the leap of faith and put myself into an industry company. But curiosity kills the cat and nobody warned me about that.

It was barely one week and i am left feeling tired, drained and crestfallen. I gotta be honest, I didn't like the job. It was monotonous, tedious and boring. I am not sure if it is because it have only been just one week like how my friend have been trying to convince me but i felt i have (and can) learnt nothing there.

To make the matter worse, this is going to be six weeks job and I am not sure exactly how long i can tolerate the works.

I gotta admit this too, I am so envious of others who got into hospital training, It was like working their dream job. Working at the exact place where we were supposedly trained to be in.

What's more with all the dramas with colleague. I really wished i had made better option.

But what's done is done. I can only keep my finger crossed and hope this six weeks will pass in a blink of an eye.

Second time, the last time

Have you heard of this quote before? 

"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back to each other. "

Call me silly, call me naive. 

But, i am living the quote now. 

:) 

And I am so, so grateful. 

November 2013

In just a blink of an eye, it's already mid-November! To be honest, if you ask me to look back of what i have done for the past 10 months, i really don't remember. I even almost forgotten that this year was the year i ended my a-level program. I thought it was last year. What the heck happened to me?

I still remember in A-level that we have this thing called newsletter which is like once in a month, there is this brilliant guy whom got 4A* for his result and he wrote that university level is actually harder than A-level so good luck in your A-level. When i read it, i didn't believe him. I seriously think that A-level is the hardest exam I have ever sat for in my 20 years of life. Well i am wrong.

I hate university life. I can't believe the naive me was so eager to enter university back in June. Now i am only in my fifth month of my university life, i feel so stress up. People in my class are really one of the kind. My class have 200 students and we have classes in the auditorium every single day. These 200 students come from various foundation program like MUFY, A-level, foundation in science and so on so forth. Generally people here are the most hardworking people I've ever seen. I feel so much like "rusa masuk ke kampung" but yeah the library is always pack even till at night around 10 p.m.

I think i am still sleeping mentally.

I really miss my lecturers in A-level. Or to put it correctly, i miss being spoon-fed.
But here i am now, in another chapter of my life and i think it's one of the most important stage of my life. My super-stressful-hectic-dull-university life.

I really hope i can survive. All those years of putting effort in my studies and now if you view it as a gaming way, it's like the final stage that's gonna determine whether i really did succeed in my studies or....not.

Yeap, i just rub salt into my wound again.

Breathe, breathe. =.=

The counsel

I am not sick.

That morning was one of the very same day I dreaded to reach upon. My appointment was on two o'clock and i had exactly no idea on how and what i was supposed to be expecting. I had so many things bubbled up in my mind. So many invisible barriers that i have cast upon myself. Sometimes, my chest overburden me. But i managed to carry on with life by trying and trying and to never give up with myself when i almost did three years ago. I have so much more in life that i wanted to achieve. No, i must not give up now.

But that morning, everything that i had built, shattered. I let tears flow down my cheeks again, and no one can imagined how frustrated i was. She told  me that i have never move on. Something has been stolen from me. And that was the very reason i was still in rage and anger with myself and everyone else involved.

My confidence and my trust.

And then she told me something that i've always known.

I am never going to be the same again.

Not entirely back

I have totally neglected this blog and i don't feel a pang of guilt at all. Haha. Life after a level exams have been traumatizing instead of the peace and serene moments that i thought i would be having. I am starting to think that working my ass off isn't a good idea anymore. This is because everyday before i drag my heavy feet to work, i will be in constant fear. My boss isn't the kind of person you want to mess with. Moreover, with the strict regime that every piece of information has to be taken down, is getting on my nerve. I have to admit i am totally stressed out. But there are some of the nicest people that I've met during my work and truthfully i could never be more grateful for their guidance and care for me, the silly girl who always get things wrong because she thinks ignorance is bliss when in the medical field, ignorance is never bliss. It will only bring agony.

I am left with one month before i leave this job i know i won't miss, and to begin a new chapter of my life. My university life. I am totally left behind by my friends who are already in their second year of degree and me? I am so so so far behind. But this isn't the only thing that was bothering me. In this four months of working i totally lost contact with my friends even the one who is living a one block away from my house. Sorry, really sorry.

Is there any way i can convince my mum that i don't want to work anymore? Not even a single chance, mun bling. -.- Don't think about it, just do your best and smile yes smile more. Till now, i am still uncertain of my path. Is this really what i want to do? Everything seem so perfect for me, i got a scholarship, i got everything laid out in front of me and i just need to keep walking straight like a blind person. My mum keeps telling me how i should be grateful and how others are envious of my life. Don't get me wrong, i am grateful. But deep down, i know this isn't what i always wanted. I am really greedy ain't i?

I just hope everything goes well. What else can i do now?

Teachers

They have been my biggest inspiration to work my best. Yet, i have done little to repay them. On the very last week of my college in Help university, my friend, Ah Peng, suggested to make a card for all our teachers. Well, i think we ought to as well, since we won't be seeing them as often as we used to.
I was emotional, and .. when i am emotional, i go back to my old self. And when i am back to my old self, you know i write sucky poems. Here's one.

For my biology teacher,

I know we are never your favorite class,
Always silent ourselves when questions are asked,
While your expectation on us is never surpassed,
Yet we still keep disappointing you after every class.

But teacher, we are both sorry and thank you,
Forever will be grateful for all your efforts,
Always trying to train us to think out of the box,
So that we will be able to do better tomorrow.

Thank you teacher for all your care,
For all your efforts in encouraging us,
Pushing us to the above by lecturing us,
Telling us its possible by working harder and harder.

To you, teacher we are not the best,
But to us, you are the best biology teacher,
We'll constantly be putting efforts for our exams,
If our results are bad, hope teacher you'll understand.

For the last sentence, i have changed it to something else. .. I forgotten what i wrote. But this is the original one.

And the other one, will be somewhere you won't be able to see. :P Chaoz. 

Rest in peace, grandfather

Nothing hurts more than watching your parent cried in front of your eyes. To me, it was the most painful feeling and the stuff that i want to avoid ever doing to my parent. Just last week, i had to witness it when my mother sobbed uncontrollably on the couch after receiving a phone call. Although death is inevitable, none of us would have thought that death has to come in such a speed.

My grandfather had passed away due to liver cancer. When he was diagnosed, it was already in the fourth stage. I was shocked to the core. My grandfather, whom looked so healthy while living his life in the countryside as a farmer was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. The incurable disease that many people fear of. I got no idea why it could happen. He did not smoke nor consumed alcohol. I guess it was all due to his irregular time for meals and his hectic life in bringing up his 7 children that tires him.

This is the second time i lost a relatives due to cancer. The first was my father's father. Yes, my grandfather too. But that was due to heart cancer. And that was because of his excessive alcohol consumption. Now get the idea why i despise alcohol so much? At that time, death seems so estranged to me. I never know the meaning of death nor understand why people around me was crying. I was only 4 or 5 when it happened. But the memories of me seeing my grandfather on his deathbed stayed etched with me till today. I still remember how he was smiling to me. I forgotten what we spoken of, but it was the only one memory i had about my grandfather. The image of how my dad cried was still vivid in my head.

But now this is different.

This is about someone who i knew for 20 years.
Someone i had memories of. And this time, i had come to understand the meaning of death. After all, this is a part of growing up. One of the hardest part too.

I couldn't attend the first two days of the funeral preparations, thanks to my exam. But i am sure i will definitely regret if i miss out the last day of sending my grandfather off. There is no exact words to express my feelings when i watched my mum and my aunts sending my grandfather to his grave. The sorrow was overwhelming. My mum was crying the entire journey.

I think she is still crying now.

I don't know when she will be alright again. And i got no idea how to make that happen. But i think the only thing i could, is just to be there when she needs it. I love my mum. At the same times, i couldn't express it. I think that is because i couldn't handle the awkwardness.

But to my grandfather, i hope he is in a good condition wherever he is. Of course i hope he is in the heaven. I would like to believe and have faith in that.

Cherish the people you love before it's too late. Such common words you heard but often forgets.
Cheers.

2012

It's been one year since i last visit here. And i don't even know if there is anyone reading this blog at all. haha. Oh well, just for the sake of updating i'll blog something. :)

All the past feelings, remorse and guilt had gone. And when i start reminiscing the past, all those mistakes, the anger and the hurt that i had experienced and caused seems like a distant dream. Maybe time really heals everything? Or maybe we tend to forget and forgive just to have a better life? After all, what is the point of living a life fills with sorrow and revengeful feelings. No, what i really mean is what is the point of staying in the past at all?

Whether we realize or not, everything keeps moving on. Today will be tomorrow. And future will be the past. Our brain will be constantly filtering out the history and replacing it with new memories either is pleasant or not. And sometimes, if we are lucky, some awful memories will be forgotten tied together with the feelings.

And that is what i am hoping to happen to me now. Moving on, just these two words... but with a huge unseen efforts. To me, moving on is not just about getting past a hurdle, it's about erasing all the memories. Especially when it comes to a person who used to be so dear to you.

Nothing will work except relying on time.

Because time, with it's merciless pride, will always move on. And we'll always be in the ride with it. Just that it seems to move faster than our memories does.

That's all! :) Have a great weekend. Thanks for reading my post. I literally just scramble out anything that crossed my mind. Haha.

Signing off.

Skyjuice

:)

Movie.

I don't remember ever the last time. I laughed so hard.

2011

Here we are!!

Another year has passed,
Another year has gone,
The memories shall stay etched,
Forever in the mind, heart and soul!

Till then i wish you all, Happy New Year!

A little too late.

Sometimes, when you first listen to a song and then you didn't like it. But after a few months or so... you heard the song again.. and you say to yourself..

"Hey this song is nice! So meaningful, exactly sing the way i feel"

Then later.. after awhile you keep repeat the song.. at least five time a day then suddenly the feelings you first had for the song is gone.. as you no longer feel what you used to feel... then you will say

"Gahh.. this song is boring,"

After that, you will definitely go and search for another song.. and the you fall head over heels with the song again and then the whole process repeat again. Then the next time you listen to the first song again... then maybe you will like it back.. or maybe you won't.

This thing basically apply to every other part of our life whether you realize it or not. Whether you want it or not.


I guess i am just a little too late. Cause you are gone by the time i know.

Jingle Bell

Nah, i don't celebrate Christmas but it doesn't hurt to wish anyone right?

MERRY CHRISTMAS

to all my friends who celebrate Christmas and You of course, my blog reader or even just passing by. :D

It's the end, dude.

It's agitating and its reckless,
It roams freely and it bite,
It swift its mood and i feel the change,
It's nothing serious doesn't matter.

Left alone in the room,
Curled my legs, head held low,
Eyes flickering back to the past,
Holding back the tears things never seems to last.

In times, future seem like a quest,
To find the key get through the rest,
No, there is not a single test,
And you don't have to be the very best.

I had yet to adjust myself in,
When things seem so different now,
New society with new surrounding,
Will i ever make it out?

Don't dwell in the past, move on,
Sail your ship leave this town.
Inside me, i wanted to shout.
Wait! I just need a second more.

Don't grasp it too hard,
You need to flap your wings in order to fly,
Life is too tough, stop pushing me!
I need to make my own choice either to walk or to fly.

In the end, there is not a tale to tell,
If you are a bird, you will have to fly,
If you are a fish, you will have to swim,
If you are my child, you will listen to me.

Tell me again, what you say?
Miracle in life? Follow your heart?
Choose what you want? And please no one?
Be courageous and do what you wish?
And finally to be dump aside by friends and family.

Silentune

Titbits

Okay, let's just screw up the "won't be blogging till January". Out of sudden, i think most of you will be feeling as well, holidays can really make us feel like a real slacker, procrastinator, bored with the monotonous life (except few of course) and well yeah and suddenly 24 hours seems a little too bragging. If you are not feeling it, well congratulations.

As you can already guess, i filled my holidays with reading, reading and reading. No i am not reading textbooks. I am reading those kind of book that will help me before i leave my teenage years. I think i needed some help (no, i am not mentally-ill) so i borrowed a few books from friends and i just finished one and starting the second. ( suddenly the lack of motivation, inspiration and the increase in temptation of all sort of technology slowed down my reading progress) And i made a right choice on starting which-to-read-first.

Heard of Sean Covey? Maybe you did, maybe not. But i can tell you his books are really AWESOME, AMAZING. It really tells you how to handle peer pressure, problems you face with families, how to win-win and not lose-win nor win-lose and stuff to organize your life way better. I am seriously regretting for not getting to know this book earlier. If i did my life would have been so so so so so much easier. The most important fact that made his book stands out from the others is (not the cover page) how he instilled lessons in every story plus a lot of humorous incidents. Well, i think i forgotten to mention the book title. Its The 7 habits of highly effective teenagers. Now i am starting his second book entitled with The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make. If you have the time, get the book and read it. But if you think your life is completely perfect, you are not having any problems, everything is cool then you can save your time for it. :)

Yup, i think that is enough about that. Let's move on the bigger thing about life. Have you decided where to study, which college, which course, which intake (january, may or july)? No? Well, don't worry, you are in the same boat as i am. Just a few days ago, i went to Mid Valley for the education fair with my siblings and her "friend". Well, instead of having my problems solved, it gotten me more confused than ever. There are a few colleges which offers me full schorlarships for the first year based on my trial result. Yeah, that sounds wonderful but what about the following year? Dam, you should look at the price its nothing less than six or five figures to finish the complete course. Anyway, does anyone knows what is the difference between biotechnology, biomedical, chemical engineering and pharmacy? I haven't got a distinct clue. When i told someone that i might be going for ____________ she said "WOW that's so cool, you are going to work with the CSI?" Weeerrrt??!?? I didn't even know that course would lead me to investigate crimes and murders! =.= Ok let's remove that option.

I know its critically essential to choose the right thing or else i will do something that i hate for the rest of my life. Yeah, but what is the right thing for me and what is not? I know i can't do well in maths, but maybe i got a thing for memorising facts and following guidelines. So you mean i should be doing law?? (Blank*)

Nevertheless, whether you are the same with me undergoing dilemmas, or you already had chosen which college to go to, found your best interest and your hidden talent, positively sure that that is the right decisions and what you want to do in 5 years time, i wish you all the best and good luck with your choice. :)

I'll go back to my dreamland. Miao.

Signing off,
Silentune

Ding don't bell.

Mr.Low
The teacher whom i highly respect and for all his motivational talks which had pushed me over my limits and made me enjoy additional mathematics more than ever.
Thanks and i hope i don't disappoint you. :)

It didn't look like i was going to have a happy ending.

I have to admit, the account paper was tough (especially the second question) The thought of having a celebration after account paper fluctuate away as i sat there scribbling what i had learnt for the past two years on the papers. But to no avail. I sighed deeply filled with insurmountable regrets. I looked down at my watch, to be dismay i realize i had spent one hour solving that question. An hour wasted. I looked out from the sullen hall. Some people already gave up, packing their bags, sitting at the hall chatting happily. Probably about the do's on the three and a half month holidays.

"Concentrate now," my mind suddenly alert me.

Right, right. And then i scribbled away.

11 years, past like lighting strike on the sky. It's gone and it will never return. For the past 11 years, i had many wonderful memories from standard 1 till form 5 yet some painful ones. But that is a must in life. Life is not a smooth line. Its curvy filled with thorns and sharp rocks along. Who likes the feeling of being pierced anyway?

Yesterday marked the end of my school chapter in life. Marked the end of some friendship for eternity. (well at least we still got facebook) And marked the beginning of an ending.

Throughout the years, i learnt to grow, to understand, to see things in different views. But one of the uptmost essential thing that i learnt about life is that nothing can last forever. Friends who came, left. But there are a few friends who stayed till the very end.

To those who had been my friends, thanks for all the wonderful memories. Screwed the rest.
After all, i myself do believe that some people come into our life hold a special meaning. Either to give supports, encouragements or lessons.

To those who stayed till the very end through the thicks and thins,
Thanks a lot to be there and suffered throughout the journey. But from what i heard, nothing come easy and a friendship who had overcame the tidal waves and survived will become stronger that before. Well, at least that's what i hope for.

And to Y, the person who changed me, made me realize that i cannot continue to be what i was used to be, (emo-ing, oversensitive, very very unconfident etc)
Thanks x100.
Yeah, i should just appreciate what i have now instead of longing for the pasts. Thanks counselor.

That's all for this post.
Check up for January post cause i won't be posting anything else this month. :D
And to you, (yeah you the one reading this)

Have a happy holidays! enjoyed yourself to the possible limits

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach.

Signing off,
SkyJuice

Octopus month

Hey, yo!
Back to the monthly post 'ere.
Though trials are over for most of the homo sapiens in my class but but but i still got one last subject to stick my butt on the wooden chair. :(
This whole two and a half week of exams had been a roller coaster. Sometimes, i feel very satisfied and sometimes its jush blehhhh..
I had a whole lots of things to post. Actually i had been planning in my head. But funny thing is i forgotten what i wanna post. -.-
I think one of it was my sister bought an Iphone 4! @#$%$%!
I want that dam phone badly. Oh well, its useless bugging my mum, i need to earn $ for myself once that big S is over. Then i'll buy myself the latest iphone. ( who knows they might have iphone 5 coming soon C: )
Then i shall show it to my sister. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.
Kk, stop dreaming.

Back to reality,
Yeah, form 5 is definitely not a year to sit back and relax. What's more the exam that shall determine our ( most people) future is getting nearer and nearer until i don't even dare to look at the thin calender. Life been quite stressful but it's okay, i'll get through it. Once the storm is over, it will be FREEDOM! Free from everything and start a new in a different place with new faces and of course new problems pfft. ( oh well i can only cross my fingers for the best)
And you have to agree with me, luck has a very prominent role in our life.

That's all i shall be blogging for now. Have a great octopus month people! C:

October is a symphony of permanence and change.
Bonaro W. Overstreet

Signing off,
S.J.S.M.L.S.H

How people change another. Opposite always apply

My teacher just spent one hour just to teach us the secret of success, how to be open-minded, keep the positive thinking and filter out the negatives. At first, i thought it was just a waste of time, but after half an hour or so, he had not only taught me how to be successful, he found my dreams and i nearly cried after so many months. So many months that i forcefully prevented myself not to had a single teardrops on my eyes and yesterday he successfully failed my almost-complete mission and i found what i really really want out of everything. If i did achieved my dreams in future, he will be one of the top listed person who i really want to thank and never want to forget. Thanks teacher. :)

Sincerely,
S.J.L.S.M.L.S.H

想要放 放不掉 淚在飄
妳看看 妳看看不到
我假裝過去不重要 卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見 才發現再也見不到