Adulting

It's been almost 3 years since i last posted anything on my blogs. I think i have even forgotten how smoothly it was to just type out what's on my mind. Or maybe i have gotten better into hiding my feelings and thoughts from surfacing. 

So how's life now? 

Not exactly where i planned to be to be honest. When my semester 8 ended in university, there was only one life path that i was determined to achieve. A clinical pharmacist. I love clinical, i love the tricky question on how to save the patient or how to improve the patient's life so they can be healed and discharge. I love the feeling when my intervention was accepted by the doctor. 

But right now, all i am doing is dispensing medication to the patients like a robot for exactly one month plus. I am no where near to improving my clinical knowledge but more to losing my knowledge slowly as i was not using them. But who am I to complain? I am not extremely well-versed with my clinical knowledge. My memory is as comparable to a goldfish. Why would they select me to be a clinical pharmacist? There are so many others lining up eagerly to be one.

I want to improve myself. But how do i self-study when i hate staring at the computer screen to study? What book should i buy? I planned to continue my study by pursuing master in clinical pharmacy in UKM. But what about money? How should i support myself and my family if they need me? What can i do with a master degree? Will i be hired for my education? 

These questions circled in my head almost every night and every morning whenever i think about my future. I got no idea where i should go. I am already 26 years old. Time is ticking and everyone is already building up their career. Can i really take one year off to study my master? Do i really need my master degree? 

I really do not know. Now i am just wasting my time in IJN till July when my contract expired. Will my life be better after leaving IJN? I am not sure but one thing for sure is I will not go back to KL to work. The traffic jam is killing me everyday.

 

Life so far.

I didn't have anywhere to rant. Not on Facebook because it is too public, not on Twitter because I didn't want others to know about my depression and hence i am back here typing after such a long time.

Right after semester six examination, we were required to do electives. I didn't get into any hospital attachment eventhough it was my first choice and i actually make efforts to get into... i decided to pursue industry training instead.

Industrial pharmacist seems like a vague job for many of us. This is mainly because our curriculum focused so much on clinical pharmacy studies, we kind of have no clue on the job scope of an industrial pharmacist.

So the curious me decided to take the leap of faith and put myself into an industry company. But curiosity kills the cat and nobody warned me about that.

It was barely one week and i am left feeling tired, drained and crestfallen. I gotta be honest, I didn't like the job. It was monotonous, tedious and boring. I am not sure if it is because it have only been just one week like how my friend have been trying to convince me but i felt i have (and can) learnt nothing there.

To make the matter worse, this is going to be six weeks job and I am not sure exactly how long i can tolerate the works.

I gotta admit this too, I am so envious of others who got into hospital training, It was like working their dream job. Working at the exact place where we were supposedly trained to be in.

What's more with all the dramas with colleague. I really wished i had made better option.

But what's done is done. I can only keep my finger crossed and hope this six weeks will pass in a blink of an eye.

Second time, the last time

Have you heard of this quote before? 

"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back to each other. "

Call me silly, call me naive. 

But, i am living the quote now. 

:) 

And I am so, so grateful. 

November 2013

In just a blink of an eye, it's already mid-November! To be honest, if you ask me to look back of what i have done for the past 10 months, i really don't remember. I even almost forgotten that this year was the year i ended my a-level program. I thought it was last year. What the heck happened to me?

I still remember in A-level that we have this thing called newsletter which is like once in a month, there is this brilliant guy whom got 4A* for his result and he wrote that university level is actually harder than A-level so good luck in your A-level. When i read it, i didn't believe him. I seriously think that A-level is the hardest exam I have ever sat for in my 20 years of life. Well i am wrong.

I hate university life. I can't believe the naive me was so eager to enter university back in June. Now i am only in my fifth month of my university life, i feel so stress up. People in my class are really one of the kind. My class have 200 students and we have classes in the auditorium every single day. These 200 students come from various foundation program like MUFY, A-level, foundation in science and so on so forth. Generally people here are the most hardworking people I've ever seen. I feel so much like "rusa masuk ke kampung" but yeah the library is always pack even till at night around 10 p.m.

I think i am still sleeping mentally.

I really miss my lecturers in A-level. Or to put it correctly, i miss being spoon-fed.
But here i am now, in another chapter of my life and i think it's one of the most important stage of my life. My super-stressful-hectic-dull-university life.

I really hope i can survive. All those years of putting effort in my studies and now if you view it as a gaming way, it's like the final stage that's gonna determine whether i really did succeed in my studies or....not.

Yeap, i just rub salt into my wound again.

Breathe, breathe. =.=

The counsel

I am not sick.

That morning was one of the very same day I dreaded to reach upon. My appointment was on two o'clock and i had exactly no idea on how and what i was supposed to be expecting. I had so many things bubbled up in my mind. So many invisible barriers that i have cast upon myself. Sometimes, my chest overburden me. But i managed to carry on with life by trying and trying and to never give up with myself when i almost did three years ago. I have so much more in life that i wanted to achieve. No, i must not give up now.

But that morning, everything that i had built, shattered. I let tears flow down my cheeks again, and no one can imagined how frustrated i was. She told  me that i have never move on. Something has been stolen from me. And that was the very reason i was still in rage and anger with myself and everyone else involved.

My confidence and my trust.

And then she told me something that i've always known.

I am never going to be the same again.

Not entirely back

I have totally neglected this blog and i don't feel a pang of guilt at all. Haha. Life after a level exams have been traumatizing instead of the peace and serene moments that i thought i would be having. I am starting to think that working my ass off isn't a good idea anymore. This is because everyday before i drag my heavy feet to work, i will be in constant fear. My boss isn't the kind of person you want to mess with. Moreover, with the strict regime that every piece of information has to be taken down, is getting on my nerve. I have to admit i am totally stressed out. But there are some of the nicest people that I've met during my work and truthfully i could never be more grateful for their guidance and care for me, the silly girl who always get things wrong because she thinks ignorance is bliss when in the medical field, ignorance is never bliss. It will only bring agony.

I am left with one month before i leave this job i know i won't miss, and to begin a new chapter of my life. My university life. I am totally left behind by my friends who are already in their second year of degree and me? I am so so so far behind. But this isn't the only thing that was bothering me. In this four months of working i totally lost contact with my friends even the one who is living a one block away from my house. Sorry, really sorry.

Is there any way i can convince my mum that i don't want to work anymore? Not even a single chance, mun bling. -.- Don't think about it, just do your best and smile yes smile more. Till now, i am still uncertain of my path. Is this really what i want to do? Everything seem so perfect for me, i got a scholarship, i got everything laid out in front of me and i just need to keep walking straight like a blind person. My mum keeps telling me how i should be grateful and how others are envious of my life. Don't get me wrong, i am grateful. But deep down, i know this isn't what i always wanted. I am really greedy ain't i?

I just hope everything goes well. What else can i do now?

Teachers

They have been my biggest inspiration to work my best. Yet, i have done little to repay them. On the very last week of my college in Help university, my friend, Ah Peng, suggested to make a card for all our teachers. Well, i think we ought to as well, since we won't be seeing them as often as we used to.
I was emotional, and .. when i am emotional, i go back to my old self. And when i am back to my old self, you know i write sucky poems. Here's one.

For my biology teacher,

I know we are never your favorite class,
Always silent ourselves when questions are asked,
While your expectation on us is never surpassed,
Yet we still keep disappointing you after every class.

But teacher, we are both sorry and thank you,
Forever will be grateful for all your efforts,
Always trying to train us to think out of the box,
So that we will be able to do better tomorrow.

Thank you teacher for all your care,
For all your efforts in encouraging us,
Pushing us to the above by lecturing us,
Telling us its possible by working harder and harder.

To you, teacher we are not the best,
But to us, you are the best biology teacher,
We'll constantly be putting efforts for our exams,
If our results are bad, hope teacher you'll understand.

For the last sentence, i have changed it to something else. .. I forgotten what i wrote. But this is the original one.

And the other one, will be somewhere you won't be able to see. :P Chaoz.